Friday, September 28, 2007

What Book Are You?

I'm not sure who started this, but Faye L. Booth and Roger Morris have both taken the What Book Are You? quiz. Six questions, and--zing!--you know what book you are. (I'm sure you've been wondering.)

Faye herself turns out to be Joyce's Ulysses. (A surprise to me. Offhand I would have guessed she was Poe's Fall of the House of Usher. But you can't quarrel with scientific results like these.)

Roger Morris turns out to be Vonnegut's Mother Night, which is a brilliant book, and Vonnegut's least Vonnegutesque novel. I wouldn't have thought Roger would be anything quite so dark...but, then, I recall that's he's a Dostoyevsky fan...

So, in my typical spirit of me-too-ism, I'm puzzled to report that I seem to be:

You're A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving

Despite humble and perhaps literally small beginnings, you inspire faith in almost everyone you know. You are an agent of higher powers, and you manifest this fact in mysterious and loud ways. A sense of destiny pervades your every waking moment, and you prepare with great detail for destiny fulfilled. When you speak, IT SOUNDS LIKE THIS!

Hunh. Who knew?

And what's with the "you inspire faith in almost everyone you know"? Almost? Can I get a list of the people who know me who are slackers in the inspired-by-David category? And what effect do I have on the holdouts? Despair? Incredulity? Hilarity?

I also have my doubts about the last sentence. Anyone who has met me will testify that, unless I have a microphone, when I speak, it sounds like this.

I'm pretty jazzed to discover I'm an agent of higher powers, though. Do I get 15%?

I'm a little skeptical. If you asked me what book I was, I would have suggested The House at Pooh Corner or perhaps Levy and Salvadori's Why Buildings Fall Down.

Pamela took the test, and was told:

You're Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov

Considered by most to be depraved and immoral, you are obsessed with sex. What really tantalizes you is that which deviates from societal standards in every way, though you admit that this probably isn't the best and you're not sure what causes this desire. Nonetheless, you've done some pretty nefarious things in your life, and probably gotten caught for them. The names have been changed, but the problems are real. Please stay away from children.

A woman like that is hard to find. Am I one lucky guy, or what?


Sam Taylor said...

*raises hand* I'm a slacker! I haven't even submitted one shortstory for publication, yet!

BTW, gods don't need money... 15% of nothing is still nothing. :)

David Isaak said...

Hey, c'mon, Sam--rejection's half the fun, right?

And even if you haven't submitted so much as a short story, though, you can still be a book! Just go to

and answer six little questions...

(The gods don't need money? Huh. I been taken. I should have asked to be an agent for JK Rowling rather than higher powers.)

Anonymous said...

I'm Waiting for Godot.

'Many people think you're extremely dull, but you're just trying to patient. Really patient. Patient to the point of absurdity, quite frankly. Whatever you're waiting for isn't going to just come along, so you can stop waiting. I promise. Move on with your life.'

I think I'm the first person to have been traumatised by an online test.


Tim Stretton said...

And I, it seems, am The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe (that's what you get for ticking "yes" to the "Are you a child at heart?" question).

Ah well, right genre, at least. And it has some good advice I hadn't thought of, so it's not time wasted: "when in doubt, put your trust in zoo animals".

David Isaak said...

Hi Aliya--

Well, my faith in this test is severely undermined. Everyone knows you're Frank Herbert's novel Dune, or possibly Dune Messiah.

David Isaak said...

Hi Tim--

Now the important question is--how close do you live to a zoo?

Charles Lambert said...

Don't get too excited about Pamela being Lolita. So am I!

David Isaak said...

Charles: "Don't get too excited about Pamela being Lolita. So am I!"

So, as it turns out, is one of my sisters. It's beginning to look as if the Lolitas are in the majority.

Charles Lambert said...

What a depraved and immoral world we live in...

Jake Jesson said...

I got this!

"You're One Hundred Years of Solitude!
by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Lonely and struggling, you've been around for a very long time. Conflict has filled most of your life and torn apart nearly everyone you know. Yet there is something majestic and even epic about your presence in the world. You love life all the more for having seen its decimation. After all, it takes a village."

Then I thought "I, er, really?" retook the test (easily done, considering several of my answers were determined by coin toss - I mean, seriously, hot or cold climate? why can't you like both? I) and got Owen Meany. At that point, I called shenanigans.

Okay, I confess. I just really wanted "Lolita".

David Isaak said...

Hey, Jake--

Well, the hot/cold question leads to Lolita (you have to say "hot"), but you must have taken a fase turn in one of the few questions afterwards.

Although you sort of strike me as a possible Marquez novel. Often you seem quite feasible, and then a moment later you seem quite improbable. Magic Realism at work in the real world.

Jake Jesson said...

Well, it might help if I actually read those books. I have them all, but haven't got round to reading them yet... not even Lolita.

David Isaak said...

Hi, Jake

Oh, Lolita is a real treat (as is the movie). Just read the first page. Heck, the first few lines.

The narrator, Humbert Humbert, is arrogant, self-deceving, conniving, pompous, and, hey, a pedophile thrown in to the bargain. How can we follow this creep through an entire book?

Voice, that's how. Oh what a voice. Even when he makes your skin crawl, you can't help but read just a bit more...

It's funny that this novel has been condemned as promoting pedophila, or winked at as having an arousing nature. I can't think of a surer antidote. The cumulative effect is not so much horrific as tremendously depressing, and it is the surest anti-erection medication I can imagine. HUmbert: the anti-Viagra.