Tuesday, March 11, 2008

How to get more traffic on your blog

Kate Monster: I'm glad we have this new technology...
aaaaaaaTrekkie Monster: ...for Porn!
Kate Monster: That brings us untold opportunity...
aaaaaaaTrekkie Monster: ...for Porn!
aaaaaaaaaa...
aaaaaaaaaaaaThe Internet is for porn!
aaaaaaaaaaaaThe Internet is for porn!
aaaaaaaaaaaaWhy you think the net was born?
aaaaaaaaaaaaPorn, porn, porn!

"The Internet is For Porn"
Avenue Q

That's Trekkie Monster and his operators/ singers /actors Minglie Chen and David Benoit. Avenue Q has some songs that invariably bring down the house ("Everyone's a Little Bit Racist Sometimes" and "What Do You Do With a BA in English?" are big hits), but "The Internet is For Porn" tends to get the loudest laughs, often drowning out the song.

And apparently the song is correct. A while back I posted some remarks on writing sex scenes under the post heading "SEX SEX SEX (Writing) LIVE NUDE GIRLS (and) SEX SEX SEX". I happened to check my site statistics (courtesy of Google Analytics) the other day, and that post has had more visitors, and more search engine referrals, than any other post. And not by a small margin; the day I published it, the number of visitors to the site more than doubled from the previous peak.

It's hard to believe that people are actually Googling "Sex". I mean, what would that get you, ten gazillion hits? (I just did it. The answer is 716 million, whiich means that if you put in eight-hour days and checked one every thirty seconds, it would take you about 2,043 years to get through the list.) Even "SEX SEX SEX" gets you 2.2 million hits. These people need training on how to formulate a search.

I'm guessing that few of these extra visitors hung around to read my post. Nonetheless, if you just put SEX SEX SEX in your post header, your traffic can double. Trekkie Monster was right. Why you think the net was born? Porn, porn, porn.

19 comments:

spyscribbler said...

ROFLMAO ... very funny! And true, probably.

I get a lot of kids looking for the answer to some test question about the name of the mother in the movie, The Neverending Story. And Jack Bauer jokes. And the World's Prettiest Baby.

No one visits for me anymore. :-(

Tim Stretton said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tim Stretton said...

s a similar, if not so extreme, coda: my recent blog post on 'The Other Boleyn Girl' attracted a significantly higher number of visits than usual.

The search terms which trigged the bulk of the hits were "Scarlett Johannson" and "Natalie Portman". Frequent references in earlier posts to "David Isaak" seem not to have had the same effect...

David Isaak said...

Hi, spyscrib--

World's Prettiest Baby? As Frank Zappa used to say, "We've gone beyond the fringe of audience comprehension."

David Isaak said...

Hi, Tim--

Yeah, yeah. But try "David Isaak Nude" and see how your hit counter skyrockets!

Admittedly it won't rival "Britney Spears" nude oor otherwise. But I've got more nude footage out there than Scarlett Johannsen, the prude.

Aliya Whiteley said...

I wrote a short story in which a boy was steered by an imaginary penguin to kill his mother. He did this by coating the rubber gloves she wore to burn his porn stash with a flammable liquid.

I had over 300 hits to my website with people looking for the phrase 'rubber glove porn' - had I stumbled upon some strange area of human fetishistic behaviour? I don't want to ever find out.

Jamie Ford said...

A friend of mine worked for a now defunct web-blocking service. During the peak of the dot.com boom, they had 400 "blockers" working 24/7.

His job was to search porn sites eight hours a day.

Or so he told me, anyway.

David Isaak said...

Hi, Jamie--

Smart friend. I'm guessing Elliot Spitzer is working on a defense like that, too.

Tim Stretton said...

Aliya,

Penguins seem to loom large in your fiction. Was the imaginary one dancing at the North Pole?

Surely everyone wants to read this story?

May said...

My blog cannot be accessed through Yahoo word searches and I avoid linking to it in my comments. I can't imagine wanting to reach a higher number of visitors. The only need I feel is to select my readers.

David Isaak said...

Hi, May--

The rest of us are writers, though. By definition, people who publish books aren't selective about their readers.

David Isaak said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Aliya Whiteley said...

Tim, it was recently republished by Serendipity (magical realism webzine run by Neil Ayres) so you can find it there. I'd always pictured the penguin to be from Essex. My geography teacher really has a lot to answer for.

Sorry for communicating via your blog, David.

David Isaak said...

Hi, Aliya and Tim, too--

Communicate via this blog any time you like. I like it. It's like eavesdropping.

Charles Lambert said...

Well, it isn't working for me though I have had a few more hits. Maybe I should up the sex count. Or maybe it would work better if I referred to some particularly bizarre sexual practice.

If only I can think of one.

David Isaak said...

Charles--

Maybe "abstinence"?

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Brian said...

Amazing insight! So you're saying sex sells?! Great post, man. I tend to use widgets like www.adoptic.com to help me drive traffic.

May the Trekkie Monster drop more knowledge your way in the future. :)

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